just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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