and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
