is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
