Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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