It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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