i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
