mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
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