i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
