Old men and throwing up are my life now.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
