some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
