I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
