3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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