The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
