I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
