Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
