I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
