so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
