your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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