Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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