my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
She swung at the pinata with crutches
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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