so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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