a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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