I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
where are my eyebrows?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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