If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
