We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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