I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
