just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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