wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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