His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Randomize
