I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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