Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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