I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
