ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
