she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
