can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
