I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
