It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
