you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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