this beer tastes like vomit already
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
