so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
