I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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