Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
