Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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