Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
