I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Randomize
