I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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