I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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