I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
