When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
