my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
