Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize