Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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