so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
