we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
