I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
