if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I had to cum in my sink.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
