I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Randomize
