I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
