I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
