Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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