fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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