Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize